Bedtime

Small chubby fingers rest on top of my hands as we sit cross-legged on the bed reading a Bible story before bedtime. This is one of the small windows of opportunity I have in which Josiah sits peacefully on my lap. More often than not, I see his bum as he scurries away on a new adventure...the exact reason why I took this picture for one of his 10 month photos...because we have an adventurous little man who is always eager to learn and explore new things.

As he sat there on my lap so sweetly listening to the story of Abraham and Isaac on Mt. Moriah, I couldn't help but notice how much bigger he has gotten. His legs now stretch over my criss-crossed legs whereas for so long they would tuck neatly into the space of my lap. Now, every night he helps me open the book, eager to read a new story and flip pages as his eyes take in all the colors of the pictures on the pages of his Jesus Storybook Bible. He glances up at me reading every once in a while, just to smile at me and watch my lips make each word to which I respond by gently kissing his forehead. Such a sweet baby boy.

He snuggled into my lap a little more as I prayed and then started to sing Amazing Grace and May the Lord, songs that Nathan and I grew up having sung to us at bedtime each night. His hands remained on mine as I sang until he found my adventure ring and began to twirl it around my finger. Tears started to fill my eyes at the beauty of this time. And then, he looked up at me, at my tear-filled eyes, and pointed his little index finger at my eyes almost as if to ask, "Mommy, why do have tears in your eyes?" O dear one, my heart is so full it is overflowing in tears of love and joy.

After tucking him into his crib and kissing him one last time on the bridge of his nose right between his eyes, I softly stepped out into the hallway. Thinking back to him playing with my adventure ring, I paused to reminisce all of the adventures that have come my way, our way, since that ring found its home there on my right hand ring finger. It is the ring Nathan gave me on our wedding night, an adventure ring, he called it, for all the adventures we had yet to encounter as we journeyed through the adventure of marriage. 

And my oh my, so many adventures packed into less than 3 years of marriage. Some big and exhilerating, others tough like running up a mountain, and still others tranquil as each day passes making the story of our lives. And this adventure, this time of parenting and shepherding the souls of the children God grants to live under our roof... It goes by so quickly, but maybe, just maybe, there is adventure in even the little things like tonight, while little fingers rest so peacefully on mine.

.

Home

After being away from home for a little over seven months, I didn't know the extent of nostalgia I would encounter until the waves of emotions consumed me to the point of numbness when we actually arrived. I couldn't wait to come back to the Midwest, my forever home, but I was not ready for how surreal it would feel to drive the long and wide open highway of 35W that Thursday morning. I wasn't ready to breathe the clear air of the spacious farmland of my parent's home. I wasn't ready to see my parents, siblings, and in-laws and actually hug them and feel the warmth of their bodies after so long of solely observing their pixelated forms through a laptop via Skype. I was speechless when I witnessed the breathtaking views of a Kansas sunset as the brilliant colors exploded across the sky and changed from moment to moment, stretching more than 20 miles in any direction along the horizon. So much that I wasn't ready for, but only because I didn't realize just how deeply I had missed everything that makes up what I call home.

The shock factor wore off as the tears dried and I sat down to breathe deeply of my homeland. To drive on roads that held so many memories worked muscles in my brain that hadn't been exercised for some time, but it felt like riding a bike after not doing so for some time, and it just came back so naturally. It felt like a dream, but knowing that it wasn't, knowing that it was true reality brought joy and warmth to my heart.

It was such a blessing to spend time with family and see the beauty in God's design of it. God designed family to remind us of our relationship with Him as His children, something that I came to realize means much more to me than ever before. You are still family no matter how many miles may separate you, and the history and connection you share is timeless. Hugs hold something almost like electricity, giving life. Late night conversations about life's passions, dreams, and struggles are shared in the safety of home, refreshing the soul. Ah, it was good to be home.



Our little guy did so well too, travelling 2+ hours in a plane one way, 9 hours in a car one way to KS, and meeting so many 'new' people that he was re-acquainted with. He was the center of attention and I think he realized that pretty quickly as the grins, giggles, and showing off began to surface.


Not only did we make this a trip to see family, but we also carved out some time for dear friends. As I partook in fellowship with women who have held significant roles as friends and mentors in my life, I began to realize how deeply each one has impacted my life. And as I spent time with them, my cup began to overflow. Even though I felt as though I barely scratched the surface of 'catching up' from the last 7 months, somehow, deep meaningful conversation still happened. I felt the twinkle in my soul revive as we poured our lives out to one another, encouraging one another in our different callings of life, continuing to deepen friendships that will last a lifetime. I remember one day returning to my in-law's home, cheeks sore from smiling and laughing so much with all of the women I had met with that day. God is SO good and I am one blessed woman.

Our trip was nothing short of a whirlwind as we tried to see as many people as we possibly could in the 2 short weeks we were back in the Midwest. We weren't able to see some people for as long as we desired and others we didn't get to see at all, but we did our best and tried to be at peace knowing we only had 2 weeks to fit it all in.

And now, as I sit once again on my couch in our beautiful home in Bethel Park, PA, I know that this too is home, the place God has planted me to bloom for His glory and to share with these people the love He has for all of us. I do miss my home away  from this home, but God is good and I am ever so grateful for the privilege to at least visit there for a while.

My One Word 2015

In 2014, I was challenged by a dear friend to choose one word to focus on for a year. No New Years Resolutions, no lists of habits to curb/break, no exercise or health tracks to join, just one word. One word to focus on, to meditate on, to be challenged by ALL YEAR LONG. 

So, last year, I prayed and sought out what one word God would have for my almost 22 year old, entering motherhood, self. I narrowed it down to two words, pause and cherish, but I couldn't decide which one to choose. I wrote them down on sticky notes on my desk and stared at them for a long time. Both were things I desired to do more of in my life, but which to choose? 

I didn't end up needing to choose because the truth is that they must go hand in hand. In order to cherish something, you must first pause from everything else going on....and in looking ahead to motherhood, I wanted to take those moments to pause and cherish our family. 

Pausing to cherish our little guy peacefully sleeping during Auntie's big graduation ceremony.

Looking back at how much changed in this last year, I am so grateful that I was challenged to do this and I can definitely say that I paused often to cherish life - the big moments, the little moments, the busy and the slow moments, and even the mundane moments of life. And because of that, I'm doing it again, choosing one word/phrase to focus on ALL YEAR LONG.

F.R.O.G.

Back in my years of elementary school, Christian acronyms were really big. Almost every young Christian kid wore a bracelet that read W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do), F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God), or something catchy like that on it. It was a fun and simple way to remind ourselves of our walk with God in the secular world around us, and they looked pretty cool too! My favorite one was always F.R.O.G. and I think I even made a backpack keychain, out of beads, of a frog and put the letters F.R.O.G. in it. Cool huh?!? It's SO last year, I know, but it really was cool back then. (wow, did I really just type, "back then?") It's been years since I've used some of those acronyms but I still remember what they stand for and I love the meaning that is packed into these little words that someone made into an acronym. 

So, in coming into the New Year of 2015, I pondered for several days what word I should choose for this year. Last years words were so good and I wanted this year to be just as meaningful. I wanted to choose carefully, listening for God's leading in what He wanted me to focus on this year, and I wanted the word to challenge me in my walk with Him.

F.R.O.G. kept coming to mind. Fully Rely On God, Fully Rely On God. "But it's not one word," I kept thinking..... but it kept coming back and as I laid it before the Throne, I realized just how much this concept would shape me this year.

• In about five months, we will be finishing up our internship and moving once again to a new home in a new state. Fully Rely On God during the packing up, saying goodbye, life transitions, and new surroundings.
• Fully Rely On God for the next year (3-4 actually) while hubby pursues his calling in teaching by getting his PhD, and I continue in my mommyhood and PHT (Put Hubby Through) degrees.
• Fully Rely On God as our little man continues to grow and learn, looking to me for direction, guidance, encouragement, and correction.
• Fully Relying on God to continue to shape and mold this clay pot that I am, knowing each adjustment, addition, or modification to that pot could be tedious and painful at times.
• Fully Rely on God for time management in making time for Him each and every day because He is the one that gives each and every new day.

And so many other things I have yet to realize I need to Fully Rely on Him for. But that's what the point it though right? To walk through the year and see why God laid this word, this phrase upon my heart to focus on and to draw closer to Him who gave this life to me to live for His purpose and glory.

Jesus Saves

"(for the law made nothing perfect); but on the other hand, a better hope is introduced, through which we draw near to God." Hebrews 7:19

So often, our lives as Christians can become filled with the law. We ought to read our Bibles more, we ought to be more intentional with discipling our children, we ought to be better Proverbs 31 women, we ought to evangelize more, we ought to give more, teach more, pray more, lead more, serve more, more, more, more. But the law made nothing perfect.

Even I can get bogged down by what more I think I ought to be doing. My self talk and thoughts can become so negative and I begin to lose sight of God's grace and sometimes even the truth of the gifts and talents He has given me. We get Justification and Sanctification a little mixed up.

One pastor once coined it as "Janctification." A cross-over happens and somehow we begin to "ought to" our way into being a 'good Christian' and good standings before God. The fact of the matter though, is that

Only Jesus saves, not our lists of "ought to's" or our good deeds. "The law says, >>do this<<, and it is never done. Grace says, >>believe in this<<, and everything is already done."

Jesus saves, and there is NOTHING we can do to make ourselves 'look good' before God because even our good works are like filthy rags because we are sinful human beings. Being justified is a done deal, nothing to work up to; we cannot become more justified.

Sanctification though, now that is something the Holy Spirit is working out in us day by day, a process that will never be completed until our days here on Earth are through. We are all slowly and sometimes painfully being shaped and molded to be more like Christ, but we must never lose sight of the FACT that as a sinner saved by grace, our position in Christ does not change based on our performance.

Movin' Movin' Movin'

Mobility...the delight of our 8 month old!

He has just begun the endeavor of swimming his way across our floors, discovering that he can get to things himself now....which means....INDEPENDENCE!

Now that our little man can get to whatever is within army crawling distance on the floor, it is now time to get things up off the floor and out of reach of his exploring hands. The evil dust bunnies or little crumbs that fall off of the table; the cord running from the lamp to the outlet and the hot doors to the gas fireplace. Uffda, who knew this world could be so excitingly dangerous?!?

It is such a joy to watch him become more aware of his surroundings lately. He turns to find out where the sound of the beeping watch came from or to listen to the church bells ringing outside every day at noon and six o'clock. He understands the difference between our things and his...which means that of course our things are much more interesting and cool to touch and put in his mouth. 

"Yummy, that phone tastes so good, I tell you what, who knew technology could taste to good!"

Our tough guy is cruising too! He loves to go back and forth along our coffee tables or couches and his delight is expressed in constant babbling of 'dada' and 'babababa.' (Dad definitely won that one) He will get so excited that he starts to bob up and down, groovin so much that he usually ends up bopping his mouth on the edge. But, as I said he's a tough guy, he doesn't even skip a beat, just keeps going. In fact, just after his tough encounter with the table, he'll lean his head down and give it a big ol' kiss as if to say, "sorry about that, I'll kiss your booboo!" What a character!

Children truly are a blessing from the Lord and it is such a pleasure to watch our little one grow and learn more about himself and the world around him. Next on the docket...walking! 

Bests

Sometimes I sit and ponder what my ideal life would look like, who it would look like, what I would and wouldn't do, what my home would look like, and the cute outfits I would wear. And so many times, the first thing that comes into my mind to get ideas from is facebook. I think of all the wonderful things that mom does, or the fun dates that couple always goes on, or the great cooking so-and-so accomplishes, or the beautiful home this family has put together, or the latest fashion statement outfit that a friend just posted a selfie of, or, or, or...... the list goes on and on and it can become so discouraging. Comparing myself to all the 'bests' that everyone else does.

I was recently talking on the phone with a friend who lives over a thousand miles away from me and we were talking about motherhood. We talked about the sweatpants we were wearing and the messy hair that got thrown up into a ponytail that day because there just wasn't time to spend half an hour curling it for the day because the kiddos were already up and needing breakfast. We talked about the dishes that were still sitting in the sink and the husband that didn't get encouraged that day like we had hoped to. We talked about being tired and how it is so easy to get discouraged by all the things that didn't get done that day, all the things we couldn't be that day. We talked about how we've both threatened to just quit facebook because we spend too much time looking at what everyone else is doing in the world.

And then we both realized that facebook, pinterest, etc. are just everyone's 'bests.' 

And that's just it, that's what facebook is, that's what pinterest is, what so much of our media is. We put our "bests" out there for everyone else to see. We often use it as a way to get praise for all the cool things we do, the awesome clothes we wear, the weird things we eat, the 'perfect' marriage that we have.....but is it reality? Is it an accurate picture of our lives, or just the top picks of the week?

You don't really see the full picture of the lives of those on facebook. You just see their 'bests.' It can be so easy to see those bests and compare our current state of sweatpants and messy ponytail to the recently posted selfie of the gal in her new yoga pants and seemingly perfect make-up who just got done running her morning 10k.

I am the first to admit too, though, that I often post my 'bests' on facebook because quite honestly, I would rather not reveal the picture of the dirty kitchen floor or the loads of laundry that haven't gotten folded yet.

All I'm saying is that

it isn't fair to compare ourselves to the small snippets 

of life that we see other people posting about

when we don't see the full picture.

Life's not supposed to be about comparison, it's about being a light, it's about Jesus. It's not about the clothes we wear or the cool things we do, it's about the righteousness we are clothed with because of the awesomeness done for us by Jesus on the cross. It's not about how perfect we try to make our lives look, it's about the truly perfect life that Christ lived for us because we couldn't.

Disclaimer: Just as a disclaimer, I am not trying to bash anyone with this post. I appreciate those of you who post real life stuff, who aren't just looking to get likes and comments on their post or picture. I am glad you are out there keeping it real. Please know that I am thankful for facebook and pinterest, etc. and the wonderful ways that we can stay connected with the ones we love and still share life though we may be hundreds or thousands of miles apart.

Habbakuk 3:19

Habakkuk 3:19
"The sovereign LORD is my source of strength.
He gives me the agility of a deer;
He helps me to negotiate the rugged terrain."

Verse 19 of this chapter really stuck out to me, seeing how confident Habakkuk is in God's ability to bring him through even the tough situations. It isn't a confidence that God will victoriously and painlessly solve all of his (and the nation's) issues, but it IS confidence that no matter the circumstance, come mountain high or valley low, God will be there to guide and strengthen him.

This verse came as a great comfort particularly during the hours leading up to our son J's birth. Painful contraction after painful contraction, my mind and body were being stretched beyond bounds they had ever experienced.

"The sovereign LORD is my source of strength...." Just make it through this contraction, just focus on this one contraction and we'll deal with the next one when it comes.

"He gives me the agility of a deer;..." this pain is crippling, Lord your grace is sufficient, help me to focus on You and to relax my mind and body.

"He helps me to negotiate the rugged terrain." No baby yet?!? As hard as I'm pushing, you'd think baby would have literally popped out by now! Seriously! This kicks butt. [no pun intended ;)] Keep climbing, keep climbing through, the summit is so near, you can almost see it.

God was and is good and our little boy was born healthy with eyes wide open, ready to take on the world. The summit was reached and we praised God for guiding us through. We beheld the beauty of parenthood as one views the endless mountains from the summit. The view almost takes your breath away, and then you pause and look back at how far you've come. The hike was hard, treacherous at times, but you made it.

Other times in our lives look like this as well.... the rugged terrain, the steep climb that seems unconquerable, slips and trips along the way that discourage us as we keep going, one foot in front of the other. God is there, right beside us, guiding us through the rugged terrain.

For some of us and in some seasons of life, that climb is long. Our life is like a mountain range with one mountain after another to climb. The climb is hard and sometimes the summit isn't even visible as trees and huge boulders prevent us from seeing the top. Sometimes we encounter what we think is the summit only to find it as a knoll not even half-way up the mountain.

"The sovereign LORD is my source of strength.
He gives me the agility of a deer;
He helps me to negotiate the rugged terrain."

At times, I ponder how He is giving me the agility of a deer, because quite frankly I don't feel flexible or able to traipse through the current situation, but He IS there, patiently guiding, giving me the strength I need for that situation. And then, when I...we get to the top, I look around and revel in the beauty. Then I glance back at how far I've...we've come. That's when I realize that no matter the circumstance, He DID provide the strength, agility, and discernment all along the way. He didn't just fly me to the top and save me from the climb. He didn't say, "O, we'll just skip this mountain, it's a big one." No, He steadily and patiently guides us up, step by step.